New hair, new welfare?

I dyed my hair, the dye was blue, it turned my hair a greeny/black.
After a private debate with myself, I decided to embrace the not-so-wanted colour and accept it is what I’ve got for the next month.

This afternoon my brother came down from Bristol. I say afternoon, around 9ish, pm obviously.
He is a great brother. My eldest brother, as I am one of nine, meaning eight siblings.
I always feel excited when one’s destination is our house, but when they arrived their anticipation is underwhelming.

One week to make him see, our house is awesome.

 

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Life long opinion contradicted.

After exercise, which happened to be swimming. I felt flat in more than one way. My body was burning from the pain, my ugliness grew as all traces of makeup evaporated.
Realising I only packed mascara and eyeliner, my heart skipped a beat. To bare my ugliness to the world was one thing, but to be aware that my spots shon like red beacons failed to give my confidence any boost.
I’ve always been aware I’m ugly, slightly ashamed of how I look, and honestly I’ve always wondered if I’m ugly inside.
This long-term opinion was completely contradicted by one persons comment. Honestly I’m not even sure it was directed at me and not my model stunning sister. She insists it was made to me, despite my protests. Besides being called ‘hot’ barely qualifies as a compliment.
Hey-ho, take what you can when you can. No more, no less.

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You say you care about me, then say you love someone else.

The boundaries of friendship and relationship waver, and my vision explores both options. He said he cares about me, it made my soul explode. Although nothing happened to my heart, as I don’t think it will go any further.
It made me smile and happy for a while, before the other news came.

My ‘new friend’ was told by the same boy, he would go out with her. As previously stated, I don’t think it will do any further, with me and him. On the other hand, this happened within thirty minutes of eachother. And to be fair, dented both my trust in him, and my security.

I have never had a boyfriend, and I don’t want one at this stage in my life. It seems a little far to go at such a young age. With my illness I have enough to handle, the fewer complications the better.

Easily jealous, I’m not sure how relationships work. I don’t think I want to know, not yet.

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Blurred adventures, clear problems.

It’s like the each day blurs into one. The pain, the hurt of it all.
Up till now I have written about my day, this post is a little different.

Disadvantages of chronic fatigue (M.E.):
No school.
Pain.
Fatigue.
Few friends.
Stress.
People think weird things about me.
Get left behind while people I love move on.
Get let down.
Unable to cope with most activities.
Very little energy.
Being different.
Lots of other things that right now, I’m too tired to think of.

Advantages of chronic fatigue (M.E.):
No certain time to get up in mornings.
Flexible school hours.
Being different.

 

The disadvantages outweight the advantages considerably.
Now I don’t know where to turn, where to run and who is real and who isn’t.

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The awkward future.

The meeting prevailed and I like to think we all got along. Even if it did start out very awkward.
We all had fun, my ‘new friend’ turned up, and we all laughed as we stalked the boys and the boys stalked us.
Excercise was never my strong point but we all walked up two steep hills, ignoring the burning in my legs. Overjoyed to feel a bit of normality pushing into my bleak life.

The second hill was on the way to my ‘new friends’ house, she only lives up the road from me. We all sat on her trampoline, talked about whatever entered our heads. For the boys, mostly sexual thoughts.

When my ‘new friend’ left, a different girl joined us. A sweet girl, my sisters friend.

Eventually the boys left and after seven hours of being out in the satisfactory sun, we hopped in mum’s car and drove home.

The future seems a little brighter, but also awkward. I don’t know what it will bring, my feet shift uncomfortably. I tasted normality, and I want it so badly. I need and want it.

My future is uncertain.

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Back up plan

My sister has been planning to meet up with a couple of boys, older than her in the town.
I would have loved to be invited, but instead she invited one of MY friends. It made little to no sense.
Despite this I managed on the basis just tomorrow I was planning to meet an old friend from school. However as soon as I logged onto Facebook a lingering message got itself noticed. Before I clicked I already knew the story. And the meeting ceased.

Before I could even digest the news, my sister overwhelmed me with panic. My friend had cancelled and she didn’t want to go alone to meet these boys.
So I became her back up plan, her last resort. A part of me wanted to say no, but surely that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

So that brings it up to now, while she is straightening her hair (my straighteners) I am writing.

Who knows if the meeting will happen or whether it will be ceased as many meetings are. All I can do is prepare myself for the future.

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Big man, bigger than me.

Two posts in a day. It’s been eventful, more than usual.

The guilt of not telling my parents that I had left in the night set in. Paranoid I began to take every smile with a little suspicion.
The day was dull until around four, when me, my ‘new friend’, my sister and her friend went swimming in our beyond freezing town river.

In my days of primary school, where the bully taunted me I had a best friend. Who sadly ditched me as soon as the illness crept into my ever complicating life. That old friend turned up.
I coped by telling myself I didn’t hate her, I had lost all respect for her. I have to say this was my saving grace.

After jumping of what we call ‘the first island’ several times, shivering we peered across the river and there was my mother and younger brother.

After my old friend scurried home for a regular sunday dinner with relations which left us four. Then we left, and continued back to my home.

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Two significant things I failed to share.

1) While in the river my past bullies mother (who on one occasion I had to call the police on, for harassment) was watching from the other side of the river, staring.
I told my sisters friend (whom I had met several times before) my story. Unwittingly making my ‘new friend’ uncomfortable.

2) My sister took the mick out of me all the time. practically playing the bully, incredibly well, slightly unnervingly.

 

 

 

 

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